A Few Poems for Your Reading Pleasure...



Bitey the Veggie Vampire

Bitey was a vampire who wasn't very good.

He couldn't stand the taste of meat, or the smell of blood.

Whilst his vampire friends ran wild in the dark - Bitey could not find his niche.

As they bit necks and ate human flesh - Bitey just fancied some quiche.

The outfit was right - the Gothic clothes - it was Halloween when he was born.

If only the necks he was meant to devour were made from a nice piece of Quorn!

Bitey tried to be evil - to cause a bit more of a fright,

So off he went, fangs glistening, into the summer's night...

When the sun rose though, the truth became clear, Bitey had not left his mark.

The most daring act he'd committed all night? Here ate a parsnip in the dark!

The other vampires just laughed at him - none of them understood,

That even if Bitey grazed his own knee, he'd faint at the sight of his blood.

"But my diet's healthy!" he protested,"I feel fine, and I suppose,

I save money on dry cleaning with no blood stains on my clothes!"

Alas, Bitey's story does not finish well. It does not finish well at all,

For the dodgy vampire's aversion to meat was in the end to be his downfall...

You see Bitey was slain, just last week - and his whole world fell apart.

He was found late at night, when the moon was bright with a 12 ounce steak through his heart...


taken from 'Bitey the Veggie Vampire' 2000 


Never Put Lawnmowers Up Your Nose 

Never put lawn-mowers up your nose,

Not even for a dare.

You'll have to find some other way,

To trim your nasal hair. 

     from 'Shark in the Toilet!' 2004  


Margaret the Mermaid


Margaret isn't like the other girls,

For starters - she's half a fish!

But to blend in with her human pals,

Has always been her wish.


When she goes round to her friends' houses,

They still chat and gossip and laugh.

Her friends just lie on the bed or settee,

While Margaret reclines in the bath.


But when all of her buddies go shopping,

Margaret will be there - no doubt!

It's just when they go into shoe shops,

That she feels a little left out.


But - every sports day at the swimming baths...she's brill!

That's when Margaret's really in the swim!

She's at the finishing line and is holding the cup,

Before anyone else has dived in!

From ' Don't Put Dave in the Microwave!' 2009



Peter Anteater

Peter Anteater had problems in the winter,

When things get cold and not nice.

He couldn't eat any ants at all,

As the insects were covered in ice.


But his friend (Wayne the Anteater)

Said "Peter, would you please,

Take a can of this? It works a treat!"

What was it? Anty Freeze!

From 'Don't Put Dave in the Microwave!' 2009